Short, sweet, long, tearful, joyful, wonderful, mysterious.
I thought I knew what I wanted in my life. I thought I knew what my life would look like. I think the more that it goes on, the less I really know. I know that God has a plan for it all. I just don’t know what that is.
I love my little family. How busy my life has been since I’ve been married, I’ve been so singularly focused with a laser focus on completing this one project, I feel like I’ve lost focus on what God really wants for me. I’ve been in a lot of pain, emotionally and physically lately. I lost a job that I’ve been at for nearly the last decade. It was sold right beneath my feet, and I feel like I’ve lost a family.
I know that there’s no going back to that, and this life is about moving forward. I’m so thankful to have Aly in my life; that she has never left me, despite the trouble I have given her all these years. I know that loving me is probably not easy. I’m so thankful though that I have her and my three beautiful kids. I really want this next chapter in my life to be focused on God, and focused on my kids. That’s what I really want.
I’m feeling this way because I watched the movie “Fort Bliss” on Amazon Prime. It makes me sad to see that this woman was not able to connect with her son as close as she would like because she was deployed three times to Afghanistan. I know the hardship of military life, as I’ve heard the stories. I’ve even come close to having to have that burden on my plate. I don’t think that I would have the amazing life that I have now if I had gone down that path. My youngest son Owen is at a stage where he is always clinging to me for everything. It’s amazing, and beautiful. And I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have that in my life. I’m so in love with my children. I don’t know if I care right now that the next chapter of my life in work doesn’t have meaning – as long as I am able to watch my kids grow up and be present in their lives.
I want to be different. I want to have more energy and not be in so much pain. I want my back and neck to not be in pain. I want to love my wife and family with the same passion that I know is deep inside me. I don’t want my lack of work to define me. I don’t want any future work to define me either. I also do not want to be a slave to it, but I don’t know how to do that with our standard of living. I don’t want to start a company because I want to be there for my kids. I want to watch them grow up, and be there for them to teach them along the way. I don’t know why I give so much deference to work.
Lord, please grant me the strength to let go. Please help me no longer be bound by these chains of identity in work. Lead me to be a better husband, father, friend. Please fill my heart with love, passion, joy and humility. Please, draw close to me; please help me to feel your warmth next to me. I thank you Jesus; in your precious name, Amen.